Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Wisdom Teeth: An open letter to my genotype

[As originally posted on my DeviantArt page:]

Ugh, what a mess, eh?

Dear my own Human genes,

I'm just writing to say you're doing a pretty good job! My small size, sensitive guts and near-sighteness aside, I've landed a pretty sweet deal with you, my own genotype. My mongrel genes, as I affectionately call you; a mix of mostly western European with a dash of eastern Euro and Mediterranean genes. A modest and pleasing phenotype, I daresay. Thank you, my genes, for not having distorted or mismatched chromosomes, no strange diseases or conditions. You're a wonderfully healthy set.

But, I do have one complaint. No, no, it's not my height, don't worry.

It's my teeth.

See, you have given me a very small head, the main reason I am not a hat person. But you have also given me quite a few teeth. Too many, in fact. Sure, the ones I have right now are a little crooked and I've got a bit of an overbite but that's tolerable. It's the ones you're trying to give me that are the problem.

I know they're there, the x-rays show them pretty clearly and one has already broken the gums. But you see, I don't need them the way my ancient ancestors did! I am capable of taking care of my teeth, my molars have not eroded from eating tough plants and nuts and do not need to be replaced! I do not need these wisdom teeth! They're growing in angle-wise because there's not enough room in the tiny jaw you have grown me, yet you persist in trying to cram these extra teeth into my mouth. It's going to push the existing ones into each other and cause an accordion train-wreck of dental problems!

I honestly thought you were smarter than this, genotype. You're smart enough to turn off OTHER genes that are no longer needed, like the ones that produce fetal hemoglobin or the ones that made me grow (by the way, might want to switch those back on for a bit, I think I could stand to be an inch or two taller). Why haven't you clued in to the fact that my skull can't fit these extra teeth and that the ones they should be replacing are still working just fine? I don't get it.

I'm sure someone somewhere is working on a way to switch off these wisdom tooth genes in people who don't need them, but I don't know that person. All I can do is ask that you slow things down until April when I'm out of school and the surgeon is back so I can have them mercilessly drilled out of my skull. I know it's a bit of a waste of resources (so is that monthly thing but I know how you feel about THAT), but it's all I can do to avoid horrible pain and massively crooked teeth.

In closing, thank you for the many benefits of normal phenotypic features you have given me, but please take it easy with the teeth. I have exams to write in the next few months and I don't want to need emergency surgery.

Sincerely, your owner and phenotypic result,